High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
YAS. BRING CRAB.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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