I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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