Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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