come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
