He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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