There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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