"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
