We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Randomize
