Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
