During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
