Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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