So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
