He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
