I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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