so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
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