So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You're like the curious george of whores
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
