Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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