i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
