Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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