I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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