i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
