he wants to bone in the snuggie
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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