There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
