Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
