My friends, they love my intelligence
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
