I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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