I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
