So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
