So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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