there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
