Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
