i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
