Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
