Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
