My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
