The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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