cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
