I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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