i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
