I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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