The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Randomize
