Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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