I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
