After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I AM VODKA MAN
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
