names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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