she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
