Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
