I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i came on her dog
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
