She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
