ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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